Sore Nipples...

I am never, ever, EVER going to wear a starched business shirt without a singlet EVER AGAIN.

Who bloody knew that cotton would be so abusive to sensitive skin!? My effing nipples hurt so much yesterday that I thought I was going to die. I had to press my shirt against my chest the whole day to try and stop the chafing.

Oh the pain, the terrible pain.

I Googled "sore nipples" and all I got was info for woman who had satanic kids and had cracked bloody nipples and that was just so disturbing so I texted my friend Omar (SEE I MENTIONED YOU LOL) and he said:

"Maybe you're just lactating and need to be milked."

^_^

What has been seen...

...cannot be unseen. :(

I went to the toilets at the shopping centre that is next to my old high-school. It smelt like shit so I just thought yay someone's been busy here. After I washed my hands I went to the hand-dryer machine and next to it was the rubbish bin.

And in the bin was a shit.

Yes.

A shit.

Not a piece of shit.

A whole shit.

Someone actually chucked a shit in the rubbish bin. Either someone squatted on the bin and did it or actually bothered carrying the piece of defacation and putting it in the bin.

I'm guessing it was the latter (it was not surrounded by toilet paper or anything so I guess the sick dude carried it in his hand). I know almost 100% without a doubt it was a guy from my old school. They're all sick and demented like that. He definitely got some sort of sick sexual pleasure from doing something like that ARGH that is so nasty!!

Kthxbye.

Letter to the Pisser

Dear Mr Tomkat,

While I do realise your pissing all over my door-step at least once a week is the only way you know how to express your deep feelings of love for the 3 female cats of my household, I must inform you that not only does it make me want to wringe your neck from the disgusting smell that only a strong bleach-assisted scrubbing will remove, but also that all the 3 pretty female cats that prance around tempting you with their bodies have, unfortunately, had their female parts removed, and so they are as butch as they come and have utterly no interest in you or your strange masculine cat pissing rituals.

XOXO.

- Ahmad.

Cutter

I just threw scraps of my skin into the bin.

Yes. My skin.

Cutting myself has never been so enjoyable.

Mainly because it doesn't hurt. Wart-off is actually useful for something. Well more like "good" for something. If you can call the strange sort of pleasure you get from peeling strips of dead skin off or cutting blisters off and watching strange sticky fluids burst out "good", that is.

Usually I'd have gone to the doctor to let him do all the dirty work. But my sleeping patterns are just so insane (my sleeping hours are other peoples working hours) that I'd never get a chance to actually go to the doctor.

Plus, it's kinda fun.

If I could somehow get rid of the pain when it blisters, if I ever got bored (like REALLY bored) I'd so go to the pharmacist, buy wart-off and apply it somewhere inconspicous and peel off the dead skin.

Eww.

Wart-off

Wart-off is the most disturbing medicine I have ever used. And is also the first time a cure has hurt more than the disease. You see I woke up one day and realised I had three little warts (planta warts) on 3 fingers and went to the doctor. The warts were tiny and didn't hurt at all, no discomfort whatsoever, you could hardly see them unless I told you where to look.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed wart-off. He told me to keep applying it. I thought it would just go away, but then my fingers started to sting and blister. I went to the doctor and he got all happy that it was blistering ("Ah! I like it when it blisters." WTF?) and started hacking away at the skin. It turns out wart-off is actually an acid solution designed to make your skin die/blister/fall-off.

Then he said repeat for another week.

Now I am on day 2 of said "another week" and the skin has already completely fallen off. It is SO freakin scary. I applied it for 2 days, the skin raised up, and then fell off. There's these weird white patches on my fingers now where the skin fell off.

It is so so so disturbing.

But I keep applying it.

Little Observations of Life, Part Deux...

As life goes on, poor Ahmad notices more and more how weird this World he lives in is. The perils of blowholes, the lameness of dry skin, ah! What an adventure. Click here for Part One. I love this type of post! Enjoy.

1. Bath bombs aren't very bomb-like. They're actually quite lame. After years and years of wondering what they were like I gave in and bought some, prepared a bath, jumped in, dumped in the bath bombs excitedly, all for less bubbles than if I had farted in the water. LAME!


2. If you ever happen to meet Abu Caristmas, the Father of Christmas Beetles, do not kill him lest he sends his army of ants to come and kill your cats...

Oops! He's dead!

NUUUU! MY POOR KITTIES!!! :(

3. Box jellyfish have eyes. And can see you. And stalk you. And sting you. And eat you. Ok, maybe not the last one. But still. Freaky. What happened to brainless sacks of water??


4. I used to think I had amazing skin. Now I realise I have very dry skin. As in ridiculously dry skin. Like I flake more than weetbix. Old weetbix. Here's my arm peeling at IKEA (I seem to live at IKEA these days):

Don't look at the hot furniture look at ME!

Look how ridiculously OLD my toes look! YUK! Someone hand me some moisturiser. Urgh. I hate moisturiser. So greasy. According to my Dad, cracked feet can be cured by a long soak in water, which is something I tried. Which didn't work. Another great piece of advice.

I thought, why not soak my feet WHILE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES! Genius! Not! Maybe I should have just got electrocuted and won this year's Darwin Award.

5. I found out what cats do when the silly hoomans are away:

SCARED YET!?

Kitty time

Hey ya'll! GUESS WAT. My cats are allergic to fleas. Yes. After all these years (4+ they're so old!) of giving us fleas and spreading flea-ness everywhere, they're immune systems seem to have died and now they are allergic. It's so slack! Unlike silly hoo-mans with nails, they have claws and so they tend to scratch their skin into bleeding sores which get infected. And their hair falls off in awful patches so they look REALLY REALLY raggedy.

So after learning why their hair was actually falling off in bloody patches and learning what to do to stop it ( -$200 to happy vet man! CaCHING!) one by one we had to catch the kitties, put them in the toilet as they cried (yes they make crying noises. It's so pitiful. Makes you sad.) shave off the hair around the sore and rub in some funky cream.

Not fun.

So now the cats are paranoid, hate us heaps and don't trust us when we come closer. And don't listen to evil Dr Harry. FRONTLINE IS NOT AS EASY TO PUT ON AS IT LOOKS!! Especially when you cats are psycho lunatic street sluts who only come in for food and strokes. Eww.

Bad joke time. My sister called the cats cutters. Cos they cut themselves. LULZ LULZ! I know if life is so fair why do cats have claws. And cos the cats would only let the girls touch them (the cats are girls too) and they make all weird noises when it happens, my brother calls them the Pervy Lesbos. LULZ LULZ!

Ok. I think thats enough for today.

Aren't they cute??

Bad oral health...

GOSH. My mouth is just so painful these days! I have a bloody ulcer that's like my own frakkin' personal Mariana's Trench on my inner bottom lip AND my bloody tonsillitis is back. YES. The EFFING tonsillitis!

First things first. The ulcer that sunk the Titanic. JAYSUS. It is SO big. Normally ulcers in people's mouths (in my personal experience anyway) are pretty small. Like a dot. This one is a big momma. Like the Matriach of Ulcers. I accidentaly bit my lip in the same spot about 3 times and my body said STUFF YOU BITCH and made a massive ulcer. God it hurts so much. Putting Bonjela on it is so insanely painful (much more than normal; the stinging before the numb is like GAH) but is the only relief I have. Kenalog sucks balls.

I was considering not posting up a picture of the ulcer, since I'm still slightly grossed out by the last time I posted up some nasty bodily "malfunction", but gross is good so here's a picture:

[WARNING! SLIGHTLY GROSS!!]

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Boo!

Secondly, the tonsils. Ahhh the tonsils. Deary deary me. Anyone who knows me will tell you that my tonsils are not really lumps of tissue but actually demon minions from Hell. If your tonsils get infected/flare up as often as mine, I tell you good person, EFFING RIP THEM OUT.

But no. I'm a good son. I listen to my anti-western-medicine father. So I went to the doctor again (a new doctor actually, he's a nice one) for another round of "Woah! Your tonsils look terrible. Have some antibiotics." But this time I was like STUFF this I take too much antibiotics already it's not healthy and so he said, "Ok. I'll do one last big nasty long-course of antibiotics, and if nothing happens come back and we'll consider surgery."

YES. BLOODY FINALLY.

Except now I'm on ultimate antibiotics for 2 months. FAR OUT. That's so long! My digestive system is gonna get killed. No! I need good bacteria!! Don't kill them!!

Ah too late. Tonsils suck.

ME FAT ASS.

Lately, my mum's been on strike (she's a Working Mum now) so I've been really hungry. Like ALL the time. And I always threaten at night that I'm so hungry I'm gonna go out and drive to the 24 Hour Macdonald's and buy food. But I usually don't end up going and instead sulk into the corner, a very sad boy.

BUT NOT TODAY!

I just came back from 'ole macca's at 1:45 am with 4 Big Macs and an extra large Coke (not just for me HEHE I SWEARS). I just finished eating my 2 burgers. GAH. I'm such a total fatass!

I feel so gross. But that was damn tasty. Mmmm!

Now I'm watching Portugal VS Czech Republic at 2 am. WHY? I HAVE MY EFFING ACCOUNTING FINAL TOMORROW. TOMORROW! As in LESS than 24 hours. And I haven't even studied properly. I AM SO INSANE. ARGH ARGH ARGH. I AM THE ULTIMATE PROCRASTINATOR. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

*Goes and pukes it all out*.

Extracting My Wisdom...

My last 2 wisdom teeth were ripped out today. Ouch. Well not really (thanks to Mr. Lidocaine) but after the surgery (i.e. RIGHT-FREAKIN-NOW) my mouth stings like a biatch. I'm pumped full with powerful prescription only pain-killers to stop the dull, throbbing ache. Seriously it's terrible. I tried eating bubur (it's this Malay rice porridge, the softest thing in the universe) but it hurt so much I had to stop. Ah the pain.

Well this is what happened. I went to the dentist and eventually ended up in the chair. He stuck 2 needles into each tooth (bottom ones only; I took out the top ones months ago) which kinda stung a little bit but not really and then my face went all numb and I tried to gargle my mouth (with Listerine) but my bottom lip wouldn't close so I ended up spitting all over myself and looking like an unfortunate sort of person.

After I was all woozy, numb and totally not in the right state of mind to be signing any contracts the dentist (well dentist's assistant) hands me this form. A surgical consent form. It said that I agree to this surgery even though I might permanently damage my nerves (which would result in not being able to taste bitter anymore. How LOLable!) I signed it; my writing was a bit wonky SINCE I WAS SO FREAKIN DRUGGED.

No offence to my dentist or anything (I actually really like him. Awesome bloke, really.) but I think you should give patients consent forms before you stick their veins with mind-numbing goodness.

Then push led to shove, the dentist drilled, pushed and cut, stuck a tool into my mouth and friggin' CRACKED my teeth into 2 pieces (I didn't feel any pain, but OH the PRESSURE!) which was by far the most disturbing part, and used another tool to pull out my teeth in 2 pieces. With a nice suction-ey feeling everytime the roots came out. With my head pounding and the dentist sweating, these babies were popped into a sterile bag and sent home with me:

Pretty, isn't it? When I got home I steam sterilised them (then bleached them) so now they're all white and gleaming. Yes, I am a clean freak. But the pain! And the BLOOD! My stitches wouldn't stop bleeding. Well they're not bleeding now, so I suppose a picture would be nice:

First stitches of my life! LOL!

Here are the top 2 wisdom teeth. It was a much cleaner exit for these two. My dentist said he can do the top ones with his eyes closed but the bottoms are skanks (pun totally not intended.)

DRUGS, DRUGS AND MORE DRUGS. They do keep me smiling :D.

Moth Invasion!!

Sydney is being infested by MOTHS. As in those furry flying things. Not the pretty moths, but the nasty brown ones. They're called bogong moths (wiki) and they are really obsessed with light. They're a common sight in summer time, and they're always flying around. But this time it's INSANE. They are EVERYWHERE. I swear, I was walking in the city and a moth flew into my face, dropped to my arm, CHUCKED A SHIT on me, and flew off.

OMFG. Has a moth (or any insect for that matter) ever shit on you?? NO!! I didn't think so!! It was so gross. Green slimy poo. Lucky I had tissues to wipe it off. The crap fell on my bag as well. Nasty:

YUCK.

Apparently they migrate at this time of the year annually, but this time since it's been a bit windy lately they've been blown off-course into urban Sydney. Poor moths. They're dying everywhere.

A really weird thing happened on the train today. There was this moth flying on the window trying to get out (it couldn't see the glass or something). Then this fat emo chick (nothing against fat emo chicks; I was just being brutally descriptive!! SORRY!!) in front of me cupped the moth in her hand and opened the window and let it out. It was SO strange! She wouldn't look at anyone after she did that. It was incredibly weird.

GROSS. NASTY. FUGLY. YUCK.

I came home from school today (after going to my friend's place and playing Singstar ^_^) and I looked in the mirror and saw this pimply looking lump on my cheek. I squeezed it and then blood just GUSHED out, like heaps more than if you pop a normal pimple. I kept squeezing it (something I don't recommend LOL) and then I used a tissue to apply pressure on it.

When it stopped bleeding, I wiped off all the blood and was met with such a nasty sight. YUCKK! It was like a group of 3 facial craters. It looked SO bad. YUCK. ARGH. Ok, here's a photo. Note that I am puffing out my cheek to make it easier to see, I'm not that tubby:

But, of course, you need a close up shot to display this monstrosity in all its bloody nastiness. I almost feel like not posting the close-up shot because it's so damn creepy to have this on my face, but then again, sometimes creepy is interesting. Or not:

MAN! How disturbing is THAT!? Things like this just creep me out SO much; like lotus roots and stuff. Ok, bad comparison. Has anyone seen that forward where a doctor pulls out worms from an African woman's breast? YEH. That sort of creepy ok!!

Eating: NOT IN THE DAMN MOOD TO EAT!!

Mood: Creeped out. Seriously, majorly. And half-laughing because the post-title sounds like DONNA KARAN NEW YORK. Would you buy GNFY clothes? ;D