Teach English

So, I went to some guy's apartment I don't even know to teach him English so he can get a visa. Too random. At least they were nice. He gave me tea but I didn't finish it. I hope that's not an ultimate faux-pas in Egyptian culture.

Does anyone have any tips on how to teach a standard English accent?

Me Stressed.

Yes, you too.

Twitchy Bitchy

Today a blind person told me that he knows when he is "done wiping" through his sense of smell.

Ah, the things we have.

Curry BUTT

I'm such a bad blogger! Gosh i never update and i still get a few hits a day. I wonder who's stalking me :P.

Anyway I was running to the car the other day and an old woman stood there staring at me and she screamed out really loud "Gosh. I wish I could do that! Running! RUN! RUN! HAHAHAH!!" and laughed to herself.

Sad, sad laughter.

It was so strange. Poor woman.

I guess we're all gonna be old and creaky one day.

Anyway, work, uni and everything is getting like a little INSANE and I'm so exhausted all the time. Boss said so too. "You look exhausted!".

One of my colleagues in the office, this old woman, calls me "Young Ahmad". It's so funny and slightly disturbing at times. She's quite old but she's the finance manager of some big important segment of the uni, and hearing her ask my boss "Now, where's young Ahmad?" is so so so so strange.

LOL.

I shouldn't read into it too much.

China BIG man!

There's this Asian guy at uni I know pretty well. He's a bit of a gangster type, but he's a nice guy. He works out heaps like goes to the gym everyday, and he's pretty buff. Anyway, we were in a portfolio management quiz and he was laughing at me at how I sprained my back at the gym (I was walking really funny) and then he goes, "Hey man, how much do you weigh?"

Ok, random, I thought, and told him 80kg (even though I'm really 85), and he was so shocked LOL! I was like offensive much!! He asked my height and we were both around 175. Then he went silent for a while and I noticed he went really emo, then he goes, really sad faced:

"Man, your such a big cunt, I've been working out so much trying to put on weight and I'm only 70!"

I was laughing in my head so much.

He clearly underestimates the weight of my thunder thighs.

I guess he's coming from the muscle weight perspective, or something. Funny it is that people have such different perspectives about exactly the same thing.

I guess that's life!

Queen

I overheard a science professor on the bus today talking to one of his students about research on the Drosophila fruit fly. The professor called it the Queen of Genetics.

Kind of made me miss biology, and chemistry a little. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing in Commerce. Granted, I do enjoy economics. Finance is just gag.

Anyway, I overheard 2 girls talking to each other, and one told the other how she teased her boyfriend about his dandruff once, and a year later he gave her a 200g bag of his dandruff.

He collected his effing dandruff.

She thought it was sweet. But super gross.

I just gagged.

The Past, Passed

EARLY PRIMARY SCHOOL:

boy - name was "Sam" Aiche (fake 1st name, real last name).

teacher - [writing everyone's names on the board] "What is your name?"

boy - "Sam Aiche".

teacher - [writes Sam H.]

me - [very confused, thinks] Why did she write H?

FAST FORWARD a decade or so.

me - [*light-bulb-moment*] OMFG educated bitches pronounce "H" as "aiche" not "haiche"!

And that was how a decade of supressed confusion was solved.

(Clearly there's more to this story then i'm letting on.)

Flow as the wind...

I've come to the conclusion (once again) that I will never understand my dad so (once again) I've stopped trying. And being indifferent/emotionless just doesn't work. So I just take everything as it comes, and go with the flow.

I want to fly.

The new fridge/freezer (well not so new) has this button that makes the freezer go into "quick-freeze" mode and it makes this cool noise. It's next to my room so I can hear it. My dad really likes pressing the button. I don't know if he knows I can hear it but he presses it a lot. When he walks past he presses it like 11 times then goes away.

Just so odd.

YO!

I thought I'd pop around and write something as there seems to be more people than ever coming round this joint to read me ramblings. So here I am!

Random thought: "Zack and Miri" is an awfully awkward film to be watching with a group of friends. O_O. But oh so funny! Hahahahaha. Funniest and dirtiest scenes ever GAWD. Go watch it yourself for details.

Lawl.

Went to uni again a few times and saw ALL the attention whores again and told them to ALL GO STICK STUFF UP IN THEIR DARK PLACES. And then I got a free lemon slushie and stole some pens from the Islamic Society stall. They always have good pens.

Bought a shart-load of text books I will probably never use, dreamt of learning Chinese, Japanese and French, and slowly realised that maybe it might be a little hard. But then I said WHO CARES and dreamt of punching James Vincent in his Ghana-ish face.

But it's not his fault. He's a nice guy.

I met up with my academic mentor (mentor-ess to be more precise; I love morphology) who was really nice and indirectly encouraged me to get counselling because I didn't have a HD average the uni wanted me to get and told me that "I too know how it's like being a foreign student".

Note to self - people think I'm a foreign student! Read: exotic. Work it! Yay. Now I'll get some pity points from her. Pity she's an accounting professor. I wish I got someone from the economiccs department or something.

And I won another hannari tofu plushie from the claw game woohoo!

DSi

So anyway, I impulse bought a DSlite (cos I had a Pokemon craving), then I returned it, cos I found out a new version is coming out soon, and then I went out and bought more useless crap don't need and probably soon won't want. A consumerist through and through.

Dusty the Cat

Internet raids are scary. Especially when /b/ is involved.

So I went on my computer yesterday and Reddit's frontpage linked to some creepy ass video of this nutjob kid bashing a cat. Ah it was so dreadful. The cat was just so scared and silent most of the video, just taking all the abuse. It was clear that it had taken that sort of treatment before.

Then the internets gets angry and really quickly the kids details get uncovered and his phone number, address, etc all get posted up on 4chan and he gets his own little dedicated website:

http://www.kenny-glenn.com/

Ah. Justice is scary.

Wart-off

Wart-off is the most disturbing medicine I have ever used. And is also the first time a cure has hurt more than the disease. You see I woke up one day and realised I had three little warts (planta warts) on 3 fingers and went to the doctor. The warts were tiny and didn't hurt at all, no discomfort whatsoever, you could hardly see them unless I told you where to look.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed wart-off. He told me to keep applying it. I thought it would just go away, but then my fingers started to sting and blister. I went to the doctor and he got all happy that it was blistering ("Ah! I like it when it blisters." WTF?) and started hacking away at the skin. It turns out wart-off is actually an acid solution designed to make your skin die/blister/fall-off.

Then he said repeat for another week.

Now I am on day 2 of said "another week" and the skin has already completely fallen off. It is SO freakin scary. I applied it for 2 days, the skin raised up, and then fell off. There's these weird white patches on my fingers now where the skin fell off.

It is so so so disturbing.

But I keep applying it.

HOT JUICY GOSS

Sigh!! So many interesting things happening in my life right now it's TOO MUCH LOLOL. Freakin' Malay society money embezzlement total bustjobs, all the parents punching each other up its just SO FUNNY. I NEED IN! And finding out about the secret lives of friends LOL ARGH TOO MUCH why didn't he just tell me LOLOL. I am losing it! Must be the damn work getting to me. I wish wish wish I could go back in time and ctrl-z.

Little Observations of Life, Part Deux...

As life goes on, poor Ahmad notices more and more how weird this World he lives in is. The perils of blowholes, the lameness of dry skin, ah! What an adventure. Click here for Part One. I love this type of post! Enjoy.

1. Bath bombs aren't very bomb-like. They're actually quite lame. After years and years of wondering what they were like I gave in and bought some, prepared a bath, jumped in, dumped in the bath bombs excitedly, all for less bubbles than if I had farted in the water. LAME!


2. If you ever happen to meet Abu Caristmas, the Father of Christmas Beetles, do not kill him lest he sends his army of ants to come and kill your cats...

Oops! He's dead!

NUUUU! MY POOR KITTIES!!! :(

3. Box jellyfish have eyes. And can see you. And stalk you. And sting you. And eat you. Ok, maybe not the last one. But still. Freaky. What happened to brainless sacks of water??


4. I used to think I had amazing skin. Now I realise I have very dry skin. As in ridiculously dry skin. Like I flake more than weetbix. Old weetbix. Here's my arm peeling at IKEA (I seem to live at IKEA these days):

Don't look at the hot furniture look at ME!

Look how ridiculously OLD my toes look! YUK! Someone hand me some moisturiser. Urgh. I hate moisturiser. So greasy. According to my Dad, cracked feet can be cured by a long soak in water, which is something I tried. Which didn't work. Another great piece of advice.

I thought, why not soak my feet WHILE PLAYING COMPUTER GAMES! Genius! Not! Maybe I should have just got electrocuted and won this year's Darwin Award.

5. I found out what cats do when the silly hoomans are away:

SCARED YET!?

RANDOM!

So anyway, my long-held belief that I couldn't get sunburnt turned out to be crap, I shaved off all my long luscious locks in a Britney-esque mental breakdown moment, and all subsequent attempts at making macarons have failed miserably. So basically my face is peeling off, I'm bald and I have a crapload of dishes to wash-up, with no reward. FRAKKERS!

Meat

Life is weird. How do I know this? I just do.

Anyway, I've always ALWAYS had this idea since forever that being a vegetarian is haram. Like full-on forbidden. I thought everyone thought this way too! In my head it was something to do with "making something forbidden to yourself from that which was made as a provision for you." I didn't bother asking anyone (which btw ppl is a bad habit).

Then recently, after an Arabic class I asked my sheikh, "Is vegetarianism haram?" and he looks at me funny (like I'm delusional). Then he said, "No! Of course not. There's nothing wrong with it." I was like HUH WTF? BUT BUT. Then he goes on and explains how in Islam meat is considered an extravagance and how meat cultivation is a major environmental detriment which is against Islamic principles and I was all like HUH HUH SINCE WHEN.

So suddenly after all these years of viewing vegetarianism as that weird but cool concept that appealed to me and which I might have like to have done but never seriously would have has suddenly become something real and concrete. Weird sentence, I know.

I haven't eaten meat in a while now.

Life is weird.

.
.
.

And good thing I like dhal.

The Ahmad-Wiestrauss-Laplace Orgy

Hi friends. Are you having fun? I'm not. Yay! Now that exam period is almost over, my obesity will soon reach its peak. In crude limit notation this is expressed as:

weight ----> infinity as t ----> exams

This is due to the Ahmad-Weistrauss-Laplace-Lapdance theorem, which states that the mass of an individual is directly proportional the the distance from the nearest MacDonalds. Now, lets use the epsilon-delta definition of a limit to rigorously prove this theorem.

Because we all know that mathematicians like it rough!

Anyway, I am SO bored of exams right now (but strangely loving maths). I want to play computer games till the sun goes down. My dad came from Singapore and so my mum left the house and is living with her friend. Everyone was expecting dramas but it really isn't so bad.

Ah! The joys of life.

Study procrastination...

Do you know what I do when I'm procrastinating from study and being all lazy and fat? I cook! Haha! My family feels all lucky (well SHOULD feel all lucky) during my final exam periods (and I feel like crap) as the kitchen miraculously turns into a production line for all a manner of baked, steamed, fried, poked and prodded tasties.

Unfortunately for me, that has led to ahem "equatorial engorgement" as I like to call it, so I'm trying to cut back on baking a little bit. BUT I CAN'T! It's in my BLOOD! I wonder if I had any bakers in the family line...

Anyway, in my attempts to save time cooking to get more time studying (making bloody creme brulee and lemon meringue pie from scratch really gets time consuming with the washing up and may contribute to a substantial drop in my WAM) I went to the super market and bought instant pancake shake mix and some maple syrup to satisfy my gastronomical urges.

UNFORTUNATELY THE DAMN MAPLE SYRUP WAS SOME FAKE SHIT THAT DIDN'T EVEN HAVE SUGAR IN IT! I realised I was buying the fake stuff (i.e. not the real stuff from Canada or watever) but seriously, this is taking this sugar-free business just a little bit too far don't you think! I don't want to be pouring sorbitol all over my pancakes.

And to make things worse, the pancake mix was the worst I've ever had. It couldn't take being soaked in syrup and turned into mush. Uber low gluten content maybe?? Who knows. At least it wasn't gluten free urgh.

Ah well. To be fair, the faux-maple syrup was the best tasting sugar free thing I've ever had. Which is really not that much of a prize.

Anyway, back to study.

"Regulation and Professional Ethics for an Actuary..."

Yawn.

Eating. Rose. Meow.

I recall telling you the story of how I ate a rosebud sometime in the past but I can't seem to find the post and so I will assume I didn't. Somehow in the midst of final exam studying madness this story popped into my head.

For some reason or another (actually I know the reason but it's just too random/weird/occult to confess on the internets) I had to eat a rosebud. Yes, a rosebud. Somewhat against my will. And very much against my better judgement.

Anyway, here I was sitting on the floor at the apartment we rented for a while in Singapore during certain eventful times of my life I rather hate to relive, with a rosebud in one hand, and 5 people looking at me waiting for me to munch on it.

And so I did.

Nom.

Nom.

Nom.

Little did I know that the I didn't really have to munch on the whole damn thing, just the petals. Don't ask why, I won't tell (and I really don't know myself). And so I accidentally the whole economy (lol jkz) I accidentally ate all the stamens and fugness and bitter shit and so I was gagging to death but see I was still obliged to eat it. I asked the person if I could spit if out but he obviously he said no and he went and got me a glass of water to help it down.

You know how much I hate drinking water on its own, but I took a gulp anyway. Turns out the genius got me a cup of warm water (YUCK) and so now swirling around in my mouth was a warm soupy mixture of rosy filth.

Joy.

I almost lost control of my mouth and spat it all out but that would have had very unfortunate consequences and so somehow I managed to force myself to swallow it all, even though I was almost about to cry from how unfortunate the feeling was in my mouth (urgh the taste still torments me).

So, basically, the moral of the story is, if you offer me sugar-crusted candied rose petals, please don't be offended when I say, "f*ck off."

:)

Semester 2 is overrrrrrrr!

Semester 2 is over! And I didn't ditch my last lecture! I am AWESOME. Ending this semester on an unsure note. How will I go!? I need an ultimate ultimate performance in these finals or else I am gonna be analised.

In other more random news, I rode in an Australian taxi for the first time! I know right?? I've been living in this country for more than 12 years and the first time I ever ride a taxi is when my cousin is too lazy to catch the Wynyard train to Circular Quay and so we take a cab. Cost $10! Bejaysus! I wonder how much it would have cost to come back to Lakemba.

I think Singaporean taxis are a lot cheaper. And better.

In other news, I am SUCH a bad employee. My quasi-boss called me up for training on Saturday but my cousin came so I wanted to go to Parramatta and eat waffles with him (Max Brenner *droool*) and so I DITCHED WORK. OMG. I SUCK. I felt so bad afterwards.

But the waffles made me feel all better.